Very few recipes have the exact proportion of salt to be added written in them, it’s usually ‘season to taste’. Ever wondered why? I think it’s because every family making that recipe has a different palate, a different taste for things and so they add in just the right amount of salt to hit that spot. But families don’t just prepare food, they prepare people too, and in the same way that recipes are seasoned to taste, the people they ‘prepare’ or shape are made-to-taste as well! These “family recipes” shape who we are, how we behave, and how we see ourselves. So let’s find the proportion of salt you currently use and make it right, one recipe at a time!

COMMON TYPES OF INDIAN FAMILIES AND THEIR DYNAMICS

Indians are often classified according to their family responsibilities. Each family structure often brings its role with associated expectations. Let’s consider how the family structure overlaps with individual functioning:

• Joint Families: A joint family is generally defined as a family where multiple generations reside together and the eldest male makes all the decisions. Members of the family have a typical hierarchy of roles, such as gender, order of birth, parent’s order of birth etc. In this setting, collectivism and family honor and reputation are considered paramount, while individual needs are often considered peripheral.
  • Children from these families are likely to develop a deep-seated sense of guilt and duty.They might struggle with independence and personal boundaries, as their individual identity becomes intertwined with the family’s reputation. But a joint family can be a good source of support as well and responsibilities can be shared when needed. Children in joint families can also develop social skills in an easier manner.

• Nuclear Families: Nuclear families consist of only the parents and children living together, separately from the extended family. Here, individual achievement supersedes family obligation, yet expectations to look after parents or contribute to family honor and reputation remains.
  • Children from these families often internalize the expectation of their parents because of a sense of emotional entrapment. This can lead to overachievement or perfectionism, and difficulties in asserting autonomy or forming healthy relationships outside of family expectations. But here, children may also develop a particularly deep bond with parents and with each other in case of siblings, allowing each family member to lean on the others for support easier.

‘FAMILY RECIPES’

Now that we have understood the types of families, let’s look at some of the favorite ‘recipes’ that run in such families. Mind you, they have a knack to be passed from generations to generations with some tweaks here and there, just like a game of telephone!

1. GUILT TIKKA MASALA

Main Course. Heavy and rich with unspoken obligations.

• Ingredients: 2 cups unmet expectations, 3 tbsp “What will people say?”, a pinch of shame.
• Method: Cook your sense of self-worth in silence, letting it simmer in a broth of familial duties. Serve hot when your personal needs clash with family expectations.
• Critic’s Review: In many Indian families, sacrifice is seen as a virtue. But sacrifice doesn’t always come easy and , when we internalize this conflict between personal needs and family needs as guilt, it often shapes our personality into someone who feels obligated to please others. Over time, this can lead to a people-pleasing personality, where your desires are secondary to others and you’re never happy. Behavioral Impact:
  • You might struggle with assertiveness and say “yes” to everything.
  • Personal goals are often postponed in favor of family approval.
  • Difficulty with setting boundaries leads to burnout.

2. INNER CRITIC KHEER

Dessert. Appears harmless, but leaves a lingering aftertaste of self-doubt.

• Ingredients: 1 cup “You might have tried harder,” ½ cup comparative cousins, a sprinkle of perfectionism.
• Method: Combine childhood memories with constant and consistent comparison. Turn it semi on low heat and look  for where you put that validation and fail to find it. Garnish  with some “You are not good enough.”
• Critic’s Review: This dish illustrates the kind of perfectionism shaped by parental voices spoken through the familial lens, especially in nuclear families where competition and achievements of children are celebrated. The Inner Critic is internalized through a parent or relative’s voice and plays the role of becoming self-critical imposter syndrome. Behavioral Consequences:
  • The tendency to overachieve or self-sabotage.
  • Difficulty with self-compassion and self-worth.
  • Difficulty in forming genuine relationships due to comparison with others leading to limited self-expression.

3. THE ELDEST CHILD SALAD

Light but carries the weight of emotional labor.

• Ingredients: 1 oldest child, ½ cup of crushed dreams, 2 tablespoons of sibling duty.
• Method: Layer duty in emotional labor and lightly fold in quiet sacrifices or lost personal time. Again, keep it light and fulfilling.
• Critic’s Review: In joint families or traditionally structured families, the eldest child has the implicit expectation of being a second parent, raising younger siblings and burying their own desires. This can lead to an enlarged sense of duty and an overwhelming sense of guilt when their own aspirations are not aligned with those family obligations. Behavioral Impact:
  • Over responsibility and difficulty with relaxation or letting it go.
  • Self-worth defined by how much you give to others, and abandoned needs.
  • Over-controlling in relationships.

MODIFYING THE PROPORTIONS

Ingredients:1 cup self-awareness, ½ cup of healthy boundaries, 2 tbsp of self-compassion, A sprinkle of therapy or journaling (as per requirement), a dash of independent decision-making

Method:

1. Start with naming the roles you internalize. Write those down, and acknowledge they are not you, but are parts you have learned to perform.
2. Slowly mix in boundaries: Start with lower risk boundaries like saying no to a family obligation when you need space to recharge.
3. Mix in self-compassion and acknowledge that taking care of yourself is a must do for healing and not selfish.
4. Give yourself permission to figure out your own needs, wants, goals, and identity without the confines of your family and their expectations. 
5. Incorporate therapy and/or journaling to unpack older patterns and develop a new and more healthy thinking and being.

Our family dynamics conform us in ways that we often don’t recognize till much later. However, we can name and break down these patterns to reclaim our autonomy and rewrite our family “recipes”. It won’t be easy but it is possible, one dish, one boundary and one healthy choice at a time!