Date: I don’t want to talk about it
Hey Diary,
Ah, what a glorious day it has been and by GLORIOUS I mean soul-crushing, patience-testing and one inch away from meltdown. If I had a dime for every time I questioned my life choices today, I would have enough to quit and start selling momos in the street! I woke up with fresh coffee, good weather, and I even found a matching pair of socks. A rare miracle. I should’ve known the universe was buttering me up for chaos.
Enter: that one colleague. You know the one. They sit beside you with the enthusiasm of a motivational speaker and the productivity of a sloth on a sabbatical. They treat every team meeting like their personal podcast and drop words like “synergy,” “learnings,” and “let’s take it offline” like confetti. The noise-cancelling headphones? Useless. The urge to scream? Palpable.
The systems we work with don’t help either. Want to apply for a leave? You need approvals, prayers, and planetary alignment. Need access to anything useful? There will be forms. There will be delays. There will be silent screaming into the void. Efficiency? Transparency? Those are just urban legends I guess.
And the hierarchy — ah yes, the sweet sweet corporate ladder. I’m not even on it. I might be buried under it. Holding it. While others climb with oat milk lattes and say “We’ll get back to you.” WHEN? HOW? I have deadlines based on your responses. And all I get is “scope for improvement.” Cool cool cool… No. I’m tired. Not the kind of tired that rest can fix; that existential kind – wondering, is this it? Maybe not.
Hmm. Although, if I am being super honest — this job, as draining as it feels sometimes, it is also what gives me the financial stability and confidence to even think about my dreams! To travel some day, to maybe start something of my own one day, to buy that overpriced coffee without guilt. It’s definitely not all bad. Maybe I just forget that in the chaos. Maybe it’s just the frustration talking. I guess wanting to be at peace doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful… It could just mean that I’m human.
And I have to admit that just writing all of this down has made my chest feel a little lighter. My brain feels less foggy. It’s like I screamed my heart out into nothing but that nothing listened?
- Journaling actually helped — who knew? They say it’s good for the soul, so maybe I’ll in fact keep at it.
- I could give Bhai a call too — it’s been a while, and honestly, I could use a familiar, comforting voice that doesn’t come with a calendar invite.
- I keep ranting about not having time, but I actually can easily take out an hour for a morning walk, to get fresh air and a little silence that isn’t attached to deadlines.
- I guess, let’s give it a month and see if all of this helps. If it doesn’t, maybe it’s time to see a therapist — why should there be any shame in wanting to heal and feel better, right?
After all, I don’t need to figure it all out right at this moment. I do believe there’s more than just dreadful deadlines and mundane Mondays. You know, as long as there’s will, there has to be a way!